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Enter Phantom 2 - The Garden by ~Figgeh:iconFiggeh:



It was so silent that when he woke he was certain that he still dwelled in the carcass of a metallic beast. The whisper of his blood told him otherwise. He heard it coursing through his veins. He felt it saturate itself with oxygen. Rhythmically, softly, it eased him into the world.

The vessel had fallen on a wide expanse of land that was red, like a strip of hot metal that had been beaten flat. It was cradled by two rivers so wide that the fringe they created made land on the other side appear to be from a different world completely. Life stemmed from the water’s soft banks like a series of green tributaries—tall grasses and fruit-bearing trees. They swayed gently and meaningfully, as if they were products of an unnaturally beautiful dream.

Even though he hadn’t been awake to experience the spectacle of his crash landing he felt ashamed at having disturbed the peace. The vessel was obliterated upon impact. It had slumped over and dragged itself along the earth for at least 50 meters before finally resting. A gargantuan scar had been burnt along its path. It had carried him so far… but for what greater purpose than to deliver him to the bed of paradise?

None. He told himself. Of course not.

This is what fate wanted.

How could I ask for more?

At this point he had collected much more than he could eat. With the majority of the fruit resting in one of his arms he juggled a handful of them in his hand, all were fleshy and ripe. He took a bite of one.

It was heavenly.

He found a spot to sit down. He hadn’t even had to look for shade. The sun was high in the sky and the climate was comforting, lethargic, narcotic even.

Now he had laid all of the fruit in front of him: one from each tree along half of a mile.

The fruit…

Each one was identical, down to the last luscious fiber.
©2008-2009 ~Figgeh
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Submitted: May 8, 2008
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Author's Comments

Here's the previous chapter: Bereshith

It's abstract. It's a work in progress. I'd like to know anything anyone has to say except "it's good".
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Somehow when I read about the fruit I think about the fruit from the tree in Genesis.

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The spell this magic flute can cast
More than gold is worth
It calms the soul and brings at last
Happiness on Earth
The first thing that came to mind while I was reading was, oddly, the miracle of birth. I think it was the whole blood and entering the world thing.

Beautifully written, though. I can feel the vivacity of this place. You've worded it in such a way that you've evoked some strange (good, but strange) emotion. Can't tell if it's pleasure or fascination, but it's something good. Amazing, is what this is. I think my only complaint is that you used the word "earth". It takes away from the abstract and placeless setting of the story.

Very well done, though. Did you include this in Righter's Bloc?

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Me cool.
No, this isn't done yet.

I thought about the whole earth thing myself, and I figured that it wouldn't cause any problems with the lowercase 'e' but that is something I think I'll change.

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I'm a reasonable man. Get off my case. Get off my case.
:D

Spot on.

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I'm a reasonable man. Get off my case. Get off my case.
Also thanks for the good comment.

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I'm a reasonable man. Get off my case. Get off my case.
Well it was kinda obvious.

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The spell this magic flute can cast
More than gold is worth
It calms the soul and brings at last
Happiness on Earth
I find the Eden imagery intriguing, and wonder if it is a metaphor or going to come into literal play at all. Maybe a second attempt at Earth, where our planet has been forsaken in interest of a new project? That could cast your "Tom" figure (I refer to him as thus in jest of my own folly, understand, not of you) in a sort of Noah-with-the-Arc position, in a fashion. Again, all theorizing with little base in reality.

For critique, I basically just have to ward you off of what I feel may endanger you if you are unintentionally succombing to, but should disreguard if you were already knowledgeable of and were going for a particular theme with. You are in danger of reusing certain words, namely "beast", "blood", and "vessel" to a point that it is becoming a bit heavy and distracting. If it is supposed to be reiterated to acccentuate the sort of living relationship between the main character and his ship, then by all means, continue, but if you are just forgetting that you've recently used the words, be careful to be mindful. Redundancy is definitely not the worst flaw a writer could entail into their work, but under neglect can spoil what would otherwise be a tale with more depth to seriously amature proportions. If that makes any sense. If you were indeed going in a direction by using key words in repition, I'd at least try to keep the motif a bit more constant so that the reader is knowledgeable tha tit is intentional and not halfway considering error.

That's all I can come up with at the moment. Ilook forward to an update.

-Cara

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Daydreamishly yours.
First of all, thank you for the wonderful comment, it really gives me something to work off of.

Especially with the words vessel and beast I've caught myself a couple of times and asked whether or not I need to come up with something a little more varied. Something that hasn't come out in the writing so much is that I've got an image in my head for the transport as a kind of tired pack animal, and I've always called it a 'vessel' because I don't want people to see it as a piece of technology. I've submitted this under sci-fi and I want to avoid people's tendency to think that it's about the technology and the space ships and the "pew-pew laz0rz". When I think about it now though, even the word vessel itself just isn't something that you hear every day and it does feel weird reading multiple times.

As far as the blood--that's something that I hadn't noticed at all until now. I opened up the last chapter with blood as well and I can't say that I intended anything by that. It's actually the opposite of what I was aiming for, so I'll have to go back and revise the last chapter.

The biblical imagery is something that I've had in mind since I began writing this, and it's probably the most important element right now, so there'll definitely be more. I'll give a hint and say that Tom will probably be playing the role of at least a few religious figures, I don't think Noah will be one of them though.

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I'm a reasonable man. Get off my case. Get off my case.
DEV1L APPLE UV 3D3N FORBIDDEN NOLLEDGE DO THAT IN NEXT PEESE LOLOLOLOLOLOL

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Me cool.

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